Breaking wind is a yellow card event!

Fancy a game of football? I never did really. It always seemed a complete waste of time trying to kick a ball towards the goalkeeper only for it to go winging back the other end.

I well remember being on the football pitch at my prep school. A boy with similar inclinations (football fatigue, that is!) came up to be and said, knowingly, "Mr.Evans farts during games!". "Does he?", I replied, thinking this was something no adult ever did, but suddenly acquiring a curiosity that no cat ever had. For the rest of the game I ran around very close to Mr.Evans trying to keep up. He must have thought I'd had a renewed interest in team games. However, his flatulence betrayed him that day and I felt that the message was another schoolboy joke. A few games later Mr.Evans, decked out in pre-war soccer stuff, was all eager to get going. We ran about for a bit and played a normal game. Then the whistle blew for half time and the oranges were brought on. All part of the mystique! During the break, I was reminded of the farting possibilities. I scoffed at such a suggestion. However, to my amazement, during the second half Mr.Evans suddenly got the spasms and some noisy eruptions were heard by me. I couldn't contain myself and ran to tell my friend. "I told you so!", he replied, as if to emphasise his lofty knowledge of such things. It was all bit Just William like, but it was one more thing learnt about the world.

Recently, on a health advice programme, this doctor suggested that farting was perfectly normal. Just do it, was her advice to a young woman who was beside herself with embarrassment. Since my prostrate probing operation, I have found such anxietiess do exist. And they still cause problems on the football pitch.

Chorlton Villa were playing International Manchester FC. A Chorlton Villa player broke wind as penalty was being taken. The referee heard the offending noise and declared it to be "ungentlemanly conduct". He ordered the penalty to be retaken and the farting player got a yellow card for his troubles.

Villa manager Ian Treadwell said their conduct was "normally exemplary". "One of our players 'broke wind' and only the referee heard it and he booked the player," he said. "The other player had the penalty saved because it was a bad penalty; it was nothing to do with any noise. They were as shocked as we were as to why."

The difference here is all about who does wind-breaking. In my experience, it was OK for the referee to run about farting as this had little to do with the game. But a player cannot fart as this can be classed as a distraction, especially when a penalty is being taken.

The Football Association is going to look into the matter after receiving a report. It will probably be a load of hot air about a very natural bodily function. The thing is whether it was a deliberate action or simple muscular stress. Solomon would have difficulty adjudicating that one!