Sexist views in the news for Sky News

I was wondering what had happened to Richard Keys. Sort of. Then I hear he's been talking in that blokish way Sky blokes talk. Does it surprise me? Not really. I can't think what all the fuss is about. Football is full of blokish blokes. It's year's since I went to a top flight football game. It was all blokish stuff then. If young women want to mix with the lads' game, they will need cloth ears. Also an ability to absorb four letter words as if Noddy spoke them.

Sky Sports or News or Whatever has taken Keys and his mate to task. I never watch Sky Sports. Sort of watch Sky News. Too much Murdoch gives me the collywobbles. All a storm in a tea cup. I mention this only because some seem to think it matters. I don't think so. Football will implode under a mountain of debt or be crushed in the stampede of angry fans trying to get at greedy foreign owners. It's not a game anymore. It's a cynical business.

FIFA go red at sight of orange!

FIFA is the international money-making organisation that promotes association football (allegedly!) and promotes its own business vigorously with a ruthless eye for commercial miscreants and cheeky wannabe competitors. This nonsense about the Dutch beer, which I now see is Bavaria, is a bit OTT. But FIFA has always been OTT. Bavaria Brouwerij traditionally gives away orange clothing to fans. Orange is the colour of the Netherlands. This happened in the last World Cup. Budweiser got in a terrible lager lather then.

Then FIFA tried to get Dutch fans to strip off their clothing to their undergarments all because the Bavaria logo was on their shorts. It's all a bit fascistic. Perhaps the FIFA bosses picked up a few tips from the old Stasi or other such delightful outfits.

Many companies see the World Cup as an opportunity to sell more merchandise. In a free market economy fans as well as non-fans should have choice. FIFA has this notion of "official partners". Well, OK as it stands. But that's no reason to take on the MAFIA's code of business practice and try to throttle the competition.

Breaking wind is a yellow card event!

Fancy a game of football? I never did really. It always seemed a complete waste of time trying to kick a ball towards the goalkeeper only for it to go winging back the other end.

I well remember being on the football pitch at my prep school. A boy with similar inclinations (football fatigue, that is!) came up to be and said, knowingly, "Mr.Evans farts during games!". "Does he?", I replied, thinking this was something no adult ever did, but suddenly acquiring a curiosity that no cat ever had. For the rest of the game I ran around very close to Mr.Evans trying to keep up. He must have thought I'd had a renewed interest in team games. However, his flatulence betrayed him that day and I felt that the message was another schoolboy joke. A few games later Mr.Evans, decked out in pre-war soccer stuff, was all eager to get going. We ran about for a bit and played a normal game. Then the whistle blew for half time and the oranges were brought on. All part of the mystique! During the break, I was reminded of the farting possibilities. I scoffed at such a suggestion. However, to my amazement, during the second half Mr.Evans suddenly got the spasms and some noisy eruptions were heard by me. I couldn't contain myself and ran to tell my friend. "I told you so!", he replied, as if to emphasise his lofty knowledge of such things. It was all bit Just William like, but it was one more thing learnt about the world.

Recently, on a health advice programme, this doctor suggested that farting was perfectly normal. Just do it, was her advice to a young woman who was beside herself with embarrassment. Since my prostrate probing operation, I have found such anxietiess do exist. And they still cause problems on the football pitch.

Chorlton Villa were playing International Manchester FC. A Chorlton Villa player broke wind as penalty was being taken. The referee heard the offending noise and declared it to be "ungentlemanly conduct". He ordered the penalty to be retaken and the farting player got a yellow card for his troubles.

Villa manager Ian Treadwell said their conduct was "normally exemplary". "One of our players 'broke wind' and only the referee heard it and he booked the player," he said. "The other player had the penalty saved because it was a bad penalty; it was nothing to do with any noise. They were as shocked as we were as to why."

The difference here is all about who does wind-breaking. In my experience, it was OK for the referee to run about farting as this had little to do with the game. But a player cannot fart as this can be classed as a distraction, especially when a penalty is being taken.

The Football Association is going to look into the matter after receiving a report. It will probably be a load of hot air about a very natural bodily function. The thing is whether it was a deliberate action or simple muscular stress. Solomon would have difficulty adjudicating that one!

Holland goes hup and out!

Oh well, it was good while it lasted. The general consensus in our house was that the Russians were the better team. It could have been different, but then that's the stuff of football. The Dutch scored one goal, giving us an extra half hour for the equaliser, but it was the second half of extra time that clinched it. Maybe the Russians can go all the way. It's not a foregone conclusion who may yet win the final game.

The Dutch did OK on the whole, but were not quite on top form tonight. It's hup and out and back home. They can be pleased the got to qualify, to get ten goals in the tournament, and to colour the place orange! Bravo!

Hup Holland hup!

Voorwaarts voor de Nederlanders. Het was een geweldige wedstrijd, vol oranje geest en vastberaden heid. Geen probleem dat Engeland niet van de partij is, het Nederlandse team zorgt voor alle nodige opwinding. Ik had nooit gedacht dat een Europacup zo geslaagd kon zijn. Het helpt natuurlijk, dat ik een Nederlandse vrouw heb....

Vanavond is ons huis oranje!