Back from the swine flu brink!

I have no real knowledge of what I have just had. It could be swine flu or it could be seasonal flu. In my case maybe Early Autumn Flu. I've still got that nagging phlegm that lingers afterwards, but I've not got that awful achy headache.

It was suggested I went to the doctor but I felt too wretched to get out of bed. Yesterday a retired doctor told me, "They don't want you anyway. Cluttering up the waiting room. And likely to infect others!" "With underlying health problems", I helpfully added.

So I've weathered the thing without Tamiflu or Tammy Wynette. Viruses are funny things. Not quite alive but not quite dead. In a sort of no-mans-land of their own. We only know a fraction of what there is to know about them, apparently. They replicate, they mutate, they change appearance like Tommy Cooper's hat routine. And they scare the living daylights out of the New Labour lot.

Swine Flu is what we call it. The Dutch call it Mexican Flu. Nobody calls it Mexican Swine Flu and it's the Mexican swine that got the blame for it. I've seen a horse sneeze, and a dog, a cat, even a cow, but I've never seen a pig sneeze. Whatever I've had it was just a bit different from the last bout. And hysteria was certainly not a contributing factor!

School kids run NHS swine flu hotline

The government is always doing things on the cheap. The war in Afghanistan is a prime example. So is the NHS. Actually, I should say we get the results on the cheap but the method is one of extravagance and profligacy. Now it is revealed that the Swine Flu Hotline, which we were led to believe was being staffed by knowledgeable nursing types is actually full of 16-year olds biding their time whilst they wait for their GCSE results. We are told, as reported in the Daily Mail, by an insider that "many have accents which are difficult to understand and some have difficulty in reading from the prepared script." I can understand that having had experiences with oriental call centres and ending up at cross purposes with them.

The revelation that GCSE students are diagnosing flu comes just days after nine out of ten family doctors said they feared phone diagnosis would lead to serious diseases being missed. And they have. Menegitis being one of them. Andy Burnham continues to waffle on like a double-glazing salesman at 11.45pm desperate to prove he's not in the wrong job. However, the whole swine flu thing has been a complete disaster from an organisational point. If a disease wants to find a population, it could do no better than England. It's a germ's paradise.

The outfit running this call-centre calamity is NHS Professionals. Another outsourced in-house operation at arm's length from anyone who is vaguely responsible for something. On their website, NHS Professionals trumpet that they have "been developed by the Department of Health to provide innovative flexible staffing solutions." So flexible that youngsters can be plucked from school to speak to anxious patients about a pandemic that could kill. One hour's training and they're ready.

I'd say that that was like throwing caution to the wind. Which pretty much sums up the New Labour approach to finance!

Church, lepers and leaders

Our parish church has succumbed to the government's advice on pandemic flu. The stoups have been closed, the peace is a brave wave and a smile and we are no longer to receive communion on the tongue. Swine flu has intervened in faith, has diminished hope and is acting in a very uncharitable way.

The cynic in me suggests that this is nothing about contracting this disease rather it is the old hoary chestnut of not being sued. The churches could well do without a legal dispute over a contaminated font. Which leads me to wonder about baptism. Is this banned under the government's advice to "faith communities"?

I have serious doubts about all this. We are advised not to shake hands or touch each other during the Peace. However, in the hustle and bustle of everyday life, people are still shaking hands each day. The Prime Minister shakes hands with visiting dignitaries. Does he have a stand with hand gel and washing facilities as his advisers are impressing on the church? Now I know why the Queen wears gloves. You never know where people have been.

Helpfully the government tells the "faith communities" that this advice 'refers only to pandemic flu as defined by the World Health Organisation; it does not refer to seasonal flu or to outbreaks of other communicable diseases'. So those with regular diseases are alright to shake hands, except that they can't because of swine flu.

The whole aspect of faith communicated in the Mass has been hijacked by a secular world obsessed with controls and regulations. Sneezing from seasonal flu in public is OK, if a tad anti-social, but swine flu sneezers watch out. I've never ever considered receiving communion as anything other than a sacramental thing. Now I get flashes of pictures of germs and disease floating about my brain. Again, the cynic in me suggests this might be a crafty way to put me off believing.

When the leper came forth to ask to be made clean my Jesus it was because he had faith. One suspects that if he had had swine flu the pharisees would be out like a shot clearing the streets.

I agree very much with hand-washing but I have a severe aversion to hand-wringing. If everyone had a decent approach to personal hygiene, we'd all be a lot better off. However, over zealous dictats and contradictory instructions will get us nowhere. I suspect it isn't the swine flu virus that the government is afraid of, more the feckless nature of some people. I bet there are still those who think they are indispensible and go to work with fevered brows and sweaty palms. Common sense will defeat the virus, selfish activity and contradictions will not.

One Flu Over The Cuckoo's Nest!

What is to become of us? Is swine flu an epidemic of frightening proportions or just something mildly worse than so-called ordinary flu? I heard Andy Burnham on the radio and TV this morning. To say that the interviewers were exasperated with him is to be kind. The man was giving all manner of mixed messages. It apparently is up to us to decide. Pregnant women should not be too alarmed but try not to go to a party with inveterate sneezers. Airlines can be zealous about removing passengers with slight colds. And so on.

Burnham should get tough. He should use this swine flu thing to repeat the message about handwashing. There are far too many dirty-habited people in this country. Whenever I go to a public loo (always assuming I can find one) invariably some man or boy walks out without washing their hands. Fancy shaking hands after that? Burnham is being far too coy. Tell it as it is! For goodness sake. I went on a school trip once and stood guard at the door. Any boy trying to escape unwashed was summarily ordered back. I have to say there was more than one culprit. It doesn't surprise me that this is spreading. If sneezed into hands and general hygiene is anything to go by.

There was a woman on the radio yesterday saying she was experimenting with flu vaccines on ferrets. Now that's where it all went wrong in Mexico. We should have had ferret flu instead. So rather than wringing our hands instead of washing them, we would be down on our knees praying to St.Vitus for a miracle or too. Perhaps one miracle would be the sudden disappearance of this hapless government.

Cherie Blair has swine flu



"Good Grief! It's a pig!"

It was bound to get into the higher echelons of society. Cherie Blair has apparently picked it up. The one thing the swine flu viruses are is that they are not choosy. They will pick on anybody at random. Of course, a good round of public sneezing helps them on their way. I suspect that many stay on at work when they should not. I am aware of people around me who know people who are getting it. Up till now I have been in that position of being three people away from the germs. I've been lucky but I'm told by some that getting it will give me immunity, which kind of flies in the face of government advice. But immunity only from swine flu. The next dose could be horse flu or even worse elephant flu!
I trust Mrs Blair will have a mild version of the porcine variety and recover soon.

Bishop stoops to conquer swine flu!

One wonders if this swine flu epidemic is not so much about the virus itself more about ourselves. Ever since the Mexicans decided that several of their badly kept pigs were somewhat off colour we have been given as many mixed messages about the wretched disease as there are germs making the stuff up.

It has been a godsend to the Murdoch press. They can conveniently forget "underlying health problems" and trumpet the ghastly deaths in as much gory detail as their fevered imaginations can allow. And if Sun readers do not know what swine are, emblazon the rag with "PIG FLU!" - that leaves no misunderstanding.

Of course, if it hadn't been pigs it could have been some other animal. "Cyril's got mouse flu!" doesn't quite hit the same panic buttons. We are told that this flu is marginally worse than so-called ordinary flu, which also kills people. We love a good panic it seems.

Weighing into this ten cents debate comes the Bishop of Chelmsford. He has suddenly developed an aversion to stoups in churches. He thinks the holy water may infect the faithful. The Daily Telegraph has some wonderful quotes from the bishop and his demuring chaplain. Now let's put it into context. Reading the report you would think that this is a grave problem for his diocese and those beyond. The truth is that few Anglican churches have stoups or use holy water in a sacramental way, apart from baptisms themselves.

The bishop opines, with some severity, "The water contained in stoups can easily become a source of infection and a means of rapidly spreading the virus. This practice should be suspended." I doubt that it will. Bishop Gladwin is what is called an open evangelical. Such Christians of this tradition rarely use stoups or believe in such things. No, he is suggesting that Catholic Anglicans should think again. I doubt if my priest will be running to church this morning, toolkit in hand, to remove our stoups. Perish the thought.

The bishop also discouraged pastoral visits and said if a visit was necessary priests should wear sterile gloves, an apron and a face mask. "Is that you, father? Or matron? Or doctor?" Can you imagine a priest on a pastoral visit looking like nuclear weapons inspector?

No, the bishop needs to get a grip of himself. He should be far more concerned by the introduction of bogus doctrines and secular fantasies into the church. Oh, and he needs to be on the look-out for presbyterian prime ministers bearing gifts. One of which may be a poisoned chalice as far as the consitution is concerned!

No sneezing in Solihull!

I see that the swine flu epidemic is now well entrenched in Solihull! According to the BBC health officials have designated Solihull as an "area of widespread community transmission" for swine flu. So that's what it's called!

Perhaps we could have "widespread community transmission" of other such things, such as more considerate driving, not walking out of shop doors as if the streets are empty, not spitting in the street (with a pre-emptive phlegm-based cough!), and other such anti-social stuff.

I'm all in favour of widespread community transmission if it is for good. In fact, Solihull Council could employ Widespread Community Transmission officers to go round spreading joy and social happiness. Umm! Pigs will start flying first, I think, with or without their porcine flu!

Swine flu parties are a pig of an idea!

I've been busy lately redecorating the kitchen. Unlike those on generous allowances or big bonus packages, I have currently a financial juggling exercise. I decided it was time to make the place look better but was not keen on paying large sums in labour costs so went down to B&Q and got the paint and got stuck in. Of course, whilst up a ladder my blogging activities are somewhat restricted. But as I gazed at the paint wondering if it would be as it said it was on the tin my mind drifted into blog thoughts. Plenty of them. In fact my mind has far more than I ever put down here.

Now that I am paint free and typing away, I find that the first thoughts are on swine flu. I had a crazy idea. Do Muslims and Jews get swine flu? Of course they do, but it was one of those daft thoughts. I'm not alone in daft thoughts it seems. Some people are throwing "swine flu parties" in an attempt to get immunity against the virus. Whatever next. "Please come to my swine flu party. Infection guaranteed. Bring your own germs!" Doctors say it's not a good idea.

The very thought of intentionally getting this form of flu is itself a form of illness. Mental illness. We already have headlines about people dying. Of course, if you read the rest it always says they had "underlying health problems". Which is exactly what happens with so-called normal flu. People do die but they tend to be the weak, infirm and already ill.

What goes on at a swine flu party? Are they legal? "Excuse me sir, we have reason to believe you are holding an illicit swine flu party contrary to Health Provision 46 of the Penal Code". What if you don't get the flu? Or worse, what if someone got something very much worse? "Dear Griselda. I came to your swine flu party in the hope of catching this disease well before winter. I didn't catch it at all! But I got a form of malaria unknown in the UK. What have you done to me!!"

The mind boggles that such people are in the country. It must be a hoax. Isn't it?

Swine flu makes a pig's ear of world health!

I can't help but think that this swine flu outbreak is Nature's way of telling us we've got it all wrong. This morning on the BBC News channel there was a report from an ABC newsman from Mexico. He was talking to some people who were fed up with living next to the stench of defecating pigs who were stuffed into this hellhole of gigantic pigsty. The reporter wore a face mask. The local Mexicans did not. The gist of all this was that the mutating flu germ had probably found a ready made location for "mixing it". I do not know whether there is any scientific evidence to suggest that this frightful piggery was a contributing factor. The very least of it all was that it was no place for pigs! The heat must be unbearable. The local population could pick up all manner of diseases, swine flu amongst them.

If this disease emanates from pigs, then it is no doubt that humans have had some part in causing the flu germ to respond as it has. Nobody has yet said that any pigs have got it. Perhaps they have become immune. They'd need some kind of immunity just to survive in most of the housing they are put into.

And I feel a bit for the general Mexican public. It must be hard enough struggling to earn a crust in that country. The last thing they want is for the rest of the world to think that they should be avoided. Just as with avian flu, this outbreak will probably cause a lot of chattering scientists to give us their views, but that the whole sorry state of descecrating the Earth will continue.

I'm only glad we were all born with an immune system. If not, entering this world could mean instant death, particularly in some hospitals I could name! What is that saying, "Cleanliness is next to Godliness". I bet that the whole flu germ community is over the moon with a grubby world that is embracing secularism by the second!