Leaving On A Jet Plane!

I see that complaints to airlines have gone up 11% in a year. 12,307 people complained. A whole load more just grumbled, swore and stamped on the floor. In a way, I'm with the 12,307. At least they did something about it. The airlines are so busy giving us cheap seats, which is what we demand, that most everything else goes hang. It is a miracle some days that people don't explode more often.

I'm a great fan of Meet the Parents. Greg Focker had his problems flying to meet his future father-in-law. In this quote from the film, Greg is trying to fit his large bag into the overhead bin -

Flight Attendant: I'm sorry, sir, you're gonna have to check that.
Greg Focker: I got it.
Flight Attendant: No, I'm sorry, that bag won't fit.
Greg Focker: No, no, I'm not - hey, I'm not checking my bag, okay?
Flight Attendant: There's no need to raise your voice, sir.
Greg Focker: I'm not raising my voice. THIS WOULD BE RAISING MY VOICE TO YOU, okay? I don't want to check my bag, okay? And, by the way, your airline? You SUCK at checking bags, okay, because I already did that once and you lost it, and then I had everything screwed up very badly for me, okay?
Flight Attendant: Well, I can assure you that your bag will be placed safely below deck with the other luggage...
Greg Focker: Oh, yeah? How do you know my bag will be safe below with the other luggage? Huh? Are you physically going to take my bag and put it beneath the plane? Are you going to go right now outside, with the guys with the earmuffs, and go put it in there?
Flight Attendant: No...
Greg Focker: No? Okay, then shut your piehole and listen to me when I say that I am FINISHED with the checking-of-the-bags CONVERSATION.

Not a suggested conversation dialogue for real life, but one can appreciated the scene. However, some passengers can be really obnoxious and cause a lot of problems for other passengers as well as the airline crew and staff. I have to say, in my time on planes (30-odd flights in as many years) that it is not the staff but the passengers that I would complain about. Several times when "deplaning" some have behaved as if they were the Gadarene Swine. Pushing and shoving par excellence!

Alitalia Aligoing Next?

The airline business is in a parlous state. OK some niche players are doing well as are some niche services, but the bulk of the plane movements are not. Some are in dire straights. Alitalia is top of this pile. It hasn't helped by the fact that this airline is saddled with a union mentality that includes afternoon naps and wanton strike action. The Italian Government is keen to keep the flagship carrier, but it is like a flying Northern Rock. The EU is watching out for "state subsidies". I would suggest that it is best that the airline does a Swissair or Sabena.

The BBC says Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi wants to keep the airline in Italian ownership with scooter manufacturer Piaggio the latest firm to be linked with a possible rescue deal. Does that tell us something? Italians make more out of scooters than airline flights!

The truth is, the airline business is on a financial knife-edge and to a great extent we have all encouraged them. Cheap flights? Umm?

High in the Sky!

The BBC reports that an air stewardess has appeared in court charged with drinking alcohol before working on a plane. Monika Lukomska, 24, is alleged to have been working on a BMI Airbus A320 while over the drink-drive limit when she was arrested. This was on a flight from Aberdeen to Faro.

What I don't get about this story is that her solicitor Mike Munro told the court he needed more time to look into the act under which she was charged because he had never dealt with such a case before. That got me searching the net for the relevant act. It's the Railways and Transport Safety Act 2003. Now I'm no lawyer and I'm no expert, but I can read! The section that is relevant is 93.

There is no double-meaning in the section at all. It is crystal clear that drinking over the limit is a criminal offence whilst performing an "aviation function" which in this case is "acting as a member of the cabin crew of an aircraft during flight". One bit of law that the drafters wrote up properly and Parliament saw fit to pass.

Mr.Munro has only to read it and take his client's instructions. What time does he need to "look into the act". It's this type of timewasting that causes the legal system to have a monumental bill which the taxpayer has to foot. I'm all for due process and the rights of the individual but I defy anybody to say that section 93 of this act is not clear or that being intoxicated on a plane whilst conducting an aviation function is not in contravention of the act.

She either was or she wasn't. That's all there is to it!

Don't panic! We're Australians!

On the radio and TV this morning, various reporters and commentators did their best to talk up the human tragedy of the Qantas airliner problem. A large hole appeared in the fuselage of a Qantas Airways Boeing 747-400, with 346 passengers and 19 crew on board. The plane was diverted to Manila shortly after leaving Hong Kong and landed safely. Everyone got off and that was that. However, you'd be forgiven for thinking that the media was hoping for something more spectacular to happen.

Suggestions of panic amongst the passengers was quickly dispelled by those passengers interviewed. On BBC News, Simon McCoy just assumed there was panic. No panic, came the reply from an Australian passenger who had been located to give his views.

Phill Restall, from the UK, was woken "with a jolt" by the loud bang before the plane descended rapidly. "No-one panicked, there was no screaming. It wasn't your typical television movie," he told the BBC News website. "Everyone listened to the cabin staff."

So no heroics from a Jean-Claude Van Damme type then. However, the BBC quote Mr.Restall as saying, "Seeing the hole caused a lot of emotion. People were physically shaking". So he had two versions? Or was his first not dramatic enough?

I feel that we are so used to the crises and dramas of life, that an ordinary response is not what is expected. The media should have been around in Biblical times to witness the wailing and gnashing of teeth. What a world!

The passengers were safely landed by a crew who knew what they were doing. I say bravo to that!

Continental to unite with United?

The ink had only just dried on the deal between Delta Air Lines and Northwest, when it was suggested that it might be a good idea if Continental courted United. These marriages of convenience could well be the only thing that keeps the planes flying, but at what cost?

United's flight attendants made it clear yesterday (Monday) that any deal better be in their best interests. "In the event we determine there exists a threat and not an opportunity for flight attendants, we will launch an aggressive campaign to derail any attempt to move forward with a merger that is harmful," Greg Davidowitch, president of the local chapter of the Association of Flight Attendants, said in a prepared statement. Blimey! I hope he keeps it all in house and doesn't let it spill over into the planes. "It's cold chicken, or nothing, sir!". It could be a very distressing time with grumpy flight attendants.

I've got a vested interest in that Continental fly out of Birmingham to Newark. From a selfish standpoint, this could be a good thing. We might get a United route to the West Coast. According to Roger King, of analysts CreditSights, such a merger "could be pretty quick, because they have already talked to each other".

So Continental United or United Continental? Oh, it's going to be hard choosing who comes first. The Hon. Charles Rolls was able to convince Henry Royce that their cars should be called Rolls Royce, much to Henry's chagrin. Rolls had the money and connections but Royce had the engineering skills. So today, those owning such a car simply refer to the Rolls. However, if you venture into Derby (where they make the aero-engines) and ask the workers where they work, they'll tell you - ROYCE'S!

Alitalia is alinamess!

It was once seen as the must have thing for countries - a state airline! Fly the flag and all that. British Airways tries hard to do that for us Brits, except there are moments. And they are not the sort Perry Como used to sing about. More like Tragic Moments!

Alitalia is all over the place. Not with it's flying, but with it's business model. It's not "robust" enough. In fact, it's in "a very dire situation" according to the unions. The company boss, Maurizio Prato, has tendered his resignation as chairman, saying, "This company is cursed: only an exorcist can save it!"

Now there's an idea! The Excorcist! How about a new version of the film - The Excorcist Flies In!, all about airline bosses being "treated" for the horrors they've inflicted on their passengers! Starring Willie Walsh as himself!

Oh, I'm too much of a fantasist!