My Lords, Ladies, and David Beckham, Esquire!

There was a time when everyone knew their place. David Frost famously introduced a sketch about social class acted out by John Cleese, Ronnie Barker and Ronnie Corbett. You don't have to be posh to be privileged today. All sorts make it into the House of Lords. I bet the Hurlingham Club is less fussy these days. Debrett's People of Today certainly is. They have devised a remarkable scheme for sifting out who is and who is not an "esquire".

When I was a child, my father regularly got letters with "esq." after his name. Then as a teenager these letters faded away in favour of a more direct style. He was just Mr. and that was that. Now it seems to be back in style. It's a funny old world, as Margaret Thatcher once said. Under New Labour there is a new version of an old world.

Originally the title Esquire was for those considered somewhere between the Knights and the Gentlemen. Based on the word squire, they were people who in medieval times had a "managerial" position with regard to the knights and barons. Where it all ended up in the late 1950's I do not know, but my father was deemed OK for the letter-writers of the day. Then he fell off that esquire list!

One family story that was oft told by my mother was when my grandfather was asked to vet the village cricket team. What for, we were never told. He looked up and down the list and exploded with a sort of outrage verging on apoplexy. He had noticed that all the names were appended with "esquire". He muttered, "What's this? They're only village people!" How times have changed. Not that I'm in favour of my grandfather's views on social delineation continuing into the 21st century, not at all. But it is very peculiar that Debrett's have ressurrected it, albeit in a brand new form.

According to Debrett's Simon Cowell is an esquire as is David Beckham. Liam Gallagher is not. I detect a hint of favouritism here or possibly not wanting to offend those they may wish to please. I remember someone commenting on an advertisement at Victoria Station. "Gentleman required for cleaning public lavatories" the notice said. The comment was, "But that is hardly a suitable occupation for a gentleman!".

The thing is, could it ever be suitable for an esquire? One of the new generation esquires? I tend to doubt it!

Dr Del Boy will see you now

Social mobility? Alan Milburn has been up late at nights recently dotting the I's and crossing the T's on his blessed report. He thinks the professions are keeping out bright boys and girls from working class and middle class backgrounds. It's a toffs paradise in these professional classes apparently.

I find it very hard to be convinced of anything that Milburn says. After all, what kept him back? He's from a working class background. He went to a comprehensive school. He thought Trotsky was the ideal political hero until he met a privileged boy called Tony Blair. You see, not all Blairites are posh. However, Milburn got a taste for the high life and tried to divest his working class background whilst retaining his working class credentials. Instead of moaning, he'd be better off telling the children of today how he did it. And whilst he's at it he might consider that those from his own background may not want to be pushed into the professions. Surely it must be a matter of choice.

All kinds of people move up and down the social ladder. I'm not aware that my doctor is posh. It's arrant nonsense to suggest that the professions are stuffed full of the second sons of the nobility. Talking of nobility, Lord Sugar ain't that posh, neever!

I think the Earl of Onslow hit this social mobility thing on the head in that programme John Prescott did about class. Lord Onslow had Prescott and his wife round for lunch. During the visit, Lord Onslow suggested that Prescott shouldn't have such a chip on his shoulder and should be justly proud of becoming Deputy Prime Minister. In fact, he would welcome him into the House of Lords as a person with a considerable contribution to make. It seemed that Lord Onslow warmed to John Prescott. Even John's wife thought hubby was overdoing it a bit on feeling so grumpy. But Prescott wears class war on his sleeve. It's in his DNA.

The fact that in twelve years of New Labour things have got worse rather than better makes me rather sad. It is not right that a new aristocracy is being formed of conniving, self-serving types at the expense of the gifted and the talented. I take Milburn's report with a vast pinch of salt!